behind the smiles
by 7th fire
Summary: cloud looses it. literally. and this is the story of what happens when all the post traumatic stress lingers on our favourite emo sword slinging biker. read and rev people.
1. cloud 1

Disclaimer. I don't own any of the characters so don't sue.

These are a collection of thoughts from the characters points of view stemming from all of the ff7 characters im just expressing what I think they might have thought based on what I know so if ya don't like don't read.

This first one is from clouds pov mostly because hes a very predictable character and im not use to writing in first person. Lemme know what ya think peeps.

Lost cause:

My name is cloud strife. Not exactly the best name in the world but at least ive got one. But I realy don't even know why ive got it. I don't deserve it. Hell I didn't do a thing to earn it. I just sat back and watched. Some other guy did all the work.

I don't deserve anything. I haven't done anything. I watched when nibelhiem burned and simply lied down to die. Not that I did. I watched as zack died in my stead. Not that he needed to. The world was better off in his hands. And when aerith died all I could do was cry. Some hero huh.

I think they've confused me for someone else. Im not a hero im just a country boy looking to make the best of things. What little there is to make the best of. Any way, I used to be a nice guy. I use to be able to hold my own when it came to career choices and keeping bread on the table. Now all I do is fight. Tifa and the kids depend on me and all I do is let them down. Denzel needs a father not a nobody. Tifa needs a man not a kid. And me……….. I just ………. I don't know anymore.

I use to think that maybe I wanted forgiveness. That I was the reason for zack and aeriths deaths. I finally figured out that it wasn't my fault, but I still don't feel like im who im suppose to be. They want a hero. But im just an average guy with a bit of a twist. Well I was. Im not so sure anymore.

Tifa caught me the other night. She sais I need help. I guess I do. I don't eat or sleep simply because I just don't feel the need to. Food doesn't fill the hollow and sleep only brings a prologue to more hurt. I don't want to watch them suffer for me. So I try to stay to myself.

I lock my door and sit in my room until tifa or denzel pick the lock and sneak in to spy on me. I don't blame them. I would worry about the freak next door too if I wasn't him. Still the fact remains. I only exist because I don't want to offend them by turning away their kindness. They don't deserve the insult. So I eat and sleep and 'breath' for appearances. Mostly because there's nothing else. I don't want to keep fighting a pointless battle. It just seems asinine. Like im only here because ive been put here.

I wish that just once they would step off, and let me be on my way. Its hard to be here knowing im the reason they hurt. Who would want to hurt. I love them too much to keep this up but if I leave…….. would it be worse.


	2. tifa 1

Again I don't own them don't sue this goes for any further chaps or add ons of this particular genra

This ones on tifa . forgive me for being a slave to appearances but im just going off of my personal opinion. Again don't like don't read.

Mother.

Man what is his problem. Hes the freeking hero of gaia. And all he can do is mope. I thought we were past this whole aerith thing.

Oh but here I go getting ahead of myself. Im tifa lockheart, and right now im just a little upset. Ive been for the last week and a half taking care of three children. One of which is the worlds oldest teenager. Im not generally this moody but you see. Its cloud. Remember what I said about the worlds oldest teenager? Well that's him. He just keeps letting himself die. I know it seems like a dramatic statement but it's the truth. He doesn't sleep. He wont eat unless you stare at him. Hell if I didn't drag him out every hour or so to help me with restocking the bar he wouldn't even leave his room. He doesn't get it. He still thinks we're strangers. We've been friends since we were kids. And honestly I want him to come to me. Not just in the let me help you on your feet way. I actually want to be with him. When hes not all bleh hes a nice guy and. Oh nevermind.

Any way. I guess im just being sentimental. The last time I got sentimental I almost got killed. But I cant help myself. I would have died gladly if a certain spiky haired someone didn't have to come in and save me.

I just want them to be happy. I don't care what happens to me. If I could just make them smile.

Ya know it wasn't too long ago that I actually saw cloud smile. He was so……… I dunno …… glowy. If only he knew what he did to me. Those eyes and that cute face. How do I get myself into these situations. But hes a head case. A total nut. He mopes and worries over things that don't matter anymore. How did I fall for such a child. Ahhh………. I could scream but that would just make him think it was his fault.

Still even if I cant get to him. Denzel and marlene need me. Granted barret is marlene's father but im still like the mother. Mother I like the sound of that. I don't know why but I do.

Denzel can be almost just like a young cloud. If there is such a thing as young to cloud. He always attempts to be mature. But I think he just simply wants to be like his dad. Cloud doesn't realize it but hes more of a father to denzel than I am a mother. That boy adores him and yet he still only talks to us when we sneak in.

Im kina tired of all of the drama. Honestly if I could muster it I would scream but I need to keep it together. For denzel.


	3. vincent 1

This ones vincents. Again don't like it don't read.

Crimson.

I am Vincent valentine. Ex turk and the cause of meteorfall.

I must confess when they woke me up I thought I was going to be experimented on again. I didn't intend on making friends. And even when I tried not to a certain bubbly ninja would always pester me into submission.

I don't realy tend to concern myself with others. My thoughts are better left on survival. If you cant make it on your own then how will you be able to help others. But then again. As I said before she would always attempt to change that.

Over the course of the last four years I guess ive grown soft. The members of AVALANCHE have accepted me for the monster that I am. Even the children whom tifa have taken in do not fear me. They say they 'love' me.

Love. Such a strange word. The last thing I ever loved betrayed me. And eventually ended my life. Now thanks to these misfits of society I live again. To see life with vision anew. To find peace within myself where there was once none.

I found my pupose in two small girls. The everbubbly hyperactive ninja, yuffie kisaragi, and the mechanical youth shelke rui. They have given me reason. They have given me all that I could ask for. And yet still I feel as though all I have ever asked for was to rest.

These feelings have changed over the course of the last four years. I found or at the very least thought I had found a friend in the leader of our army of misfits cloud strife. However lately he never leaves his room. He worries the rest of our team with his antics and honestly I feel that trying to get through to him is a lost cause. But we all have seen our share of horrors and cloud has seen more than that. So his behavior is. Justified……. Still though I feel that if any one can get through to him tifa would be them. He always had a bond with that girl. Most men would kill to be in his shoes simply because of the time he gets to spend with the lovely barmaid.

But I digress. My worry is now more or less for his foster son. Denzel. He wants to be like cloud but I wander if his faith in the man will falter should he know that cloud is on the edge of suicide.

This troubles me deeply. I need to speak to that man. As old as he is he still thinks as a child. But then again. I guess we are all children.


	4. cloud 2

Another spike written entry. You know the rules don't sue.

What lies beneath:

Again the lock was picked. Uhhh. Im so tired of being watched. I wish this knife could act on its own. But still. They don't want me by myself and now they've found a doctor for my 'little problem' . all he does is give me pills though.

Ah the pills. That's the end result of all of my struggles. Take a pill. It will cure your sickness. Im not sick. Just misunderstood. The voices in my head are my voice no one else's. the nightmares are just a part of 'post traumatic stress'. Well that's what ive been telling myself. And the cuts….. well… that's self explanatory.

The wounds are the only thing that make this whole nightmare seem less….. fake.. they give me pain and I give them shape. Pain means your alive right. The more you feel the better off you are. That means this blade makes reality. Scary but somewhat comforting. But now they watch me like a hawk. Throw me a bone and then pick me apart. But theres nothing left to take ive given it all away.

All that lies or all that did beneath the mask of sanity I put on for being a slave to appearences has died. Ive lost it all except for them. And for some reason I cant bring myself to care. I want them to hate me because I cant hate them. I want them to leave and never come back because the pain is just….. too much……. I want to die.!!!


	5. tifa 2

Another on tifa again don't sue its just a story

Worried:

Gods above why? I just don't understand. Why did he do it. I found him the other day. He was in the shower but there was no water running. I thought maybe he was lonely or just felt like sitting in there. When I tried to get his attention he wouldn't respond but that's normal. However after several minutes of not even being told to leave I got worried. So I looked in. there he was, covered in blood.

Oh. He was so cold. His eyes were closed and the first thing I could think of was to scream. I called the hospital but by the time they got there he was fine. A mako thing I suppose. But they left after giving him a few tests and decinding it was a waste of time.

The only thing I could do after that was call Vincent. I know he doesn't like to talk or even show up but, I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to worry yuffie and cid would only make things worse. If I called barret he would be worried about marlene. And lets be honest shelke has enough problems. So I called him. I honestly didn't think he would answer but I needed to tell someone.

I was really surprised when he answered. I thought he would tell me to leave him alone but he listened, and two hours later was there with duffle bags and some serious materia. He had been busy obviously. Though his attire and appearance hadn't changed in the years passed he had acquired a lot more stuff. I guess guns aren't the only necessity when youre the legendary Vincent Valentie.

Cloud doesn't know he's here yet. He hasn't left his room for more than fifteen minutes in the last three weeks. Im worried. So worried.


	6. cloud 3

This is a chap I though I should write I apparently do a very good cloud impersonation. Or at least I've been told that. Any way this all said and done I felt I would twist cloud to my pov rather than keep him his usual acerbic self.

Disclaimer I don't own any of this the story is fictious and the characters aren't mine don't like don't read its gona get thick.

Cloud has lost it. No really he's going bonkers. His current state of health and mental fortitude failing he seems to contemplate suicide and has now been forced to see a doctor by the ever caring Tifa. However it's unknown as to how bad he really is to anyone but him. What is wrong with cloud? Will he ever be free of his nightmarish mentality? Will he choose to die or will the choice to live be thrust upon him. Find out by reading. Note it's a story not a gospel don't take it too literally.

Arguing with myself.

I am not taking those pills. 'You should though. Tifa worked so hard to make sure you…..' shut up they don't want to hear you. I'm sorry. Lately he never shuts up. Any way. Let's get right down to the point. I'm not crazy. 'You wish.' Shut up. I'm not crazy don't mind him. He's just mad because I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to anyone lately.

They say I'm suffering from a split personality disorder. 'You are you dipshit' shut the hell up! Anyway. I'm not it's just this guy won't leave me alone. Him and his spiky hair and damn those blue eyes. He irritates me. I can't stand him. He just makes me mad.

'If you took the pills you'd save us both a bunch of trouble' I heard that you son of a 'now now temper cloud' shut up!!! I am not taking the pills.

No matter where I go I can't get him to leave me alone. I tried staying in my room. Somehow he gets in. I tried hiding in the kid's room and he's there too. That bastard. He won't go away.

He keeps trying to make me feel bad for them. I didn't ask for their help and I don't need it.

Anyway the doctor practically lives with us now. He's a nice guy but I don't trust him. However Tifa's convinced I need help. She said I talk in my sleep. That I talk to myself when there's no one around. I don't think she's met motor mouth over there 'keep talking. Your only delaying the inevitable.' Can it you chocobo's ass!!! No one wants to hear you. Just go away. 'Not on your life.' Care to say that again pretty boy? 'Not interested.' That's right that's what I thought you said.

Well I guess you'd better leave I think murder might be on the list if he doesn't. Besides doc said I only have to talk to someone for twenty minutes and he won't leave anyway so please just go away. Bye.

'Do you have to be so rude' I can't hear you LALALALALA!!!!!! 'Juvenile.' I'm not listening!!!!!!


	7. Chapter 7

Oh the blood.:

Oh shit oh shit oh shit…….. this is bad……… that bastard…………. He……… he killed her……………….. the blood……. Wait why is he in all of her pictures………… where did all of this blood come from………… damit.

Sorry I guess I caught you off guard. That guy the spiky haired one the one who poses as me…… he killed her……

I did not. I would never you insane butcher. You did.

Shut up you did this how could you…… she was nothing but good to you….

I didn't youre the one who's paranoid you did it.

No I couldn't have. I haven't been out of the room in days.

She's been dead for days you monster. Maybe sephiroth wasn't the worlds worst problem.

I wish you would die and leave me alone.

You cant kill me. They cant even see me.

Man you've gota get outa here before he kills you too. Oh the blood….. I cant stand it. Tif…fa… oh tifa….

Your only delaying the inevitable. Give yourself up. go confess. You did it. They'll come looking after a while and when they find out itll be much worse for you.

Shut up!!!!! I didn't do this…….. just get outa here.


	8. t3

What is he carrying on about? Geez. He seemed fine a few days ago. I mean I think it's cute that he said my name in his sleep but so many times is kina creepy.

Whatever the case he's been running around his room for the past couple of days screaming 'the blood'. I've tried talking to him but it's like he doesn't even see me. He apparently is giving Denzel and Marlene the same go over.

Its official he has a problem. But I can't just send him to an institution. I mean its cloud……….. He saved the world……. Twice…………. He cured geostigma………….. How did this happen.

'Sigh' at least Vince is here to help. I guess in these seemingly peaceful times it's hard to find work as a gunman. So I gave him a part time at the bar.

Poor cloud……. I can't imagine how he feels about this….. I don't want to but………. I'm sorry I just need some alone time


End file.
